Choosing a Sperm Donor: My Decision-Making Process

Nothing in my pre-SMC life prepared me for the experience of scrolling through a sperm bank catalog. It's surreal. It's overwhelming. And for a brief moment, it feels absurd — choosing a co-creator for your child the way you might browse profiles on a dating app.

But it's also one of the most important decisions you'll make on this journey. Here's how I approached it.

What Mattered to Me

Before I opened a single donor profile, I sat down and wrote out what actually mattered to me. Not what I thought should matter, but what honestly did.

My list:

1. Medical history: This was non-negotiable. I wanted the most thorough health screening available, and I chose a bank known for extensive genetic testing.
2. Open vs. anonymous: I chose an open-identity (willing-to-be-known) donor. My daughter will have the option to learn his identity when she turns eighteen. This felt like her right, not mine to take away.
3. Education and interests: Not because I think a degree predicts anything about a child, but because the donor's essay responses gave me a window into who they were as a person.
4. Physical characteristics: I'll be honest — I considered this, but it mattered less than I expected. I wanted someone whose features might blend naturally with mine, for my daughter's comfort, not for aesthetics.

What I Deliberately Didn't Prioritize

Height. Athletic ability. Hair color. Eye color. Once I accepted that I couldn't control who my child would be — and that trying to was a trap — these details lost their weight.

The Process

I narrowed the field from dozens to about eight donors. Then I read everything the bank offered: profiles, essays, audio interviews (if available), staff impressions, and baby photos.

Three donors stood out. I sat with those three for a week, re-reading their materials, thinking about them not as collections of traits but as people whose genetic material would help create my child.

I made my choice on a Saturday morning while drinking coffee. It felt simultaneously monumental and ordinary.

One Piece of Advice

Don't try to find the "perfect" donor. There's no such thing, just as there's no perfect partner. Find someone whose health history is sound, whose values resonate with yours, and whose profile gives you a feeling of rightness you might not be able to fully articulate.

Trust that feeling. It's enough.